Silence Is Golden (Unless There's A Child Involved)
by GideonGraystairs
Summary: "What the actual hell?" he declares, dropping his stele in shock because there is his boyfriend covered head to toe in bright blue paint and silver glitter, holding a freaking baby out full Lion King style.
1. What The Actual Fuck?

**Definitely going to be more in this verse, so gimme all the promptings/"omg but what if this happened?" and I shall make our dreams come true. (I've got another in this verse on the way actually because I received an odd prompt shortly after this and decided to incorporate it into this idea.) Would you guys like to see them posted in this as seperate chapters despite the fact that they'll jump back and forth in terms of time setting or as separate stories when posted here? Either way this shall always remain marked complete.  
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 **Also this is short as hell. I know. Taite's finally learning how not to write a novel every time she opens her laptop.  
**

 **Requested by Anonymous: Malec "what the actual fuck"**

* * *

It's a fairly average day, as far as days go. He's gone hunting with Jace and Isabelle and even played nice with Clary for a few hours. There's a slim new scar on his hand still healing with the iratze his _parabatai_ drew him and he's going to have to make a few new arrows tomorrow, but there's not a single occurrence that falls into the "out of the ordinary" category.

Which is why when he pushes through the door to their loft, toeing his shoes off and removing his gear along the way, he isn't expecting anything but Magnus either curled on the couch with a good book on demonic possession or perhaps even out with a client. This is not at all what he actually gets.

"What the _actual_ fuck?" he declares, dropping his stele in shock because there is his boyfriend covered head to toe in bright blue paint and silver glitter, holding a freaking _baby_ out full Lion King style.

Magnus blinks at him, looking mildly discomfited, before he goes for the award-winning grin and purs out a smooth, "Alec, darling. You're home."

Either Magnus thinks he doesn't notice the glaring obvious, or he's trying to make him forget what's staring him right in the face like something out of a terrifying Disney movie. It doesn't matter either way, really. Alec is most certainly not fucking having it.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" he demands, folding his arms across his chest and raising an expectant eyebrow.

"Oh, you mean this?" Magnus replies innocently, drawing the infant (the actual freaking child) out of the Lion King pose and more into a cradling type position a few inches away from his paint-coated chest.

"Yes," Alec snaps irritably. "That."

His boyfriend's smile is _almost_ sheepish this time, so close Alec is _almost_ satisfied, and he's peering up at the shadowhunter through his lashes when he offers in a questioning tone, "We're having a baby?"

Which- what the fuck? Last time he checked their biology didn't constitute making actual children and they haven't exactly discussed this before and oh dear God no. " _Please_ tell me you're not talking about _that_ baby. Tell me you're not actually being _serious_ here."

Magnus hesitates, stroking the child's arm almost as though to use it as a way in which to ward off Alec's growing impatience. "And if I were?" he questions slowly, wincing in preparation for the backlash he knows he's about to receive.

Alec groans, throwing his hands up into the air in uncontrollable exasperation and muttering out a grumbled, "I'm done, I'm so done," before making his way past his supposed boyfriend and child to their bedroom down the hall. He can hear Magnus padding along behind him, probably trying to discern the best way to both return to his good graces and explain himself, but he ignores him in favour of throwing open their door and smacking the light switch on.

And then letting out a scream of frustration because _oh, that's where the paint came from_ and was that supposed to be a freaking crib? Alec thinks it was supposed to be a freaking crib.

"I can explain!" Magnus cuts in quickly from behind him. Alec whirls on him with a vicious look in his eyes.

"Oh, yes," he grinds out between clenched teeth. "You are _going_ to explain, alright."

His boyfriend at least has the decency to look mildly terrified at that.

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 **Uh oh. Mags need to learn to give a little warning before he adopts their children.**

 **Also, go check out my 146 Things To Do Besides Self-Harm (/tagged/146things) drabble shindig I've got going on tumblr either at taitewrites (my way more organized writing blog) or gideongraystairs (my main blog where I do what I feel like in moderation bc yodo) Love you!**

 **Reviews are music and I like to dance *sways awkwardly behind the mic***


	2. Fire Extinguisher

**Requested by Anonymous: fire extinguisher (malec)**

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It's a blissfully normal day until the moment he steps into their loft, _once again_. The second he opens the door, slipping off his boots as he drops his bow by the weird-looking plant Magnus insists on keeping, it goes from ordinary to 'oh, God, just what the hell has he gotten himself into'.

Because there is his boyfriend and his apparent son dancing around the loft while tossing glitter in the air and yeah, Alec's not even going to mention the fact that the curtains are _on fire_.

He groans, throwing his hands up in the air and dropping his bow with a thud against the hardwood floors. Which, he observes as he glances down to check that his weapon isn't actually damaged, are streaked with even more glitter. Alec shakes his head, breathing in deep and out slow as he reminds himself for the billionth time in the past week that Magnus has his good traits, too, and he truly does love him.

It doesn't really work.

"I'm so done," he exclaims, dropping his hands and walking right past the scene of the crime without a second glance. He doesn't even want to know what the hell was going on there.

"Wait!" he hears his boyfriend call out after him. "Alec, darling! This isn't what it looks like!"

He chokes out a sort of disbelieving laugh at that, not even bothering to turn back around as he moves towards the bedroom. "It _looks_ like you're insane. Which, I'll have you know, you undoubtedly are."

"Hey!" Magnus feigns hurt, clasping the hand that isn't holding a small child to his chest over his heart. "That's not true!"

Alec merely raises a single judgmental eyebrow at him and hikes his foot up on the bed frame to remove the seraph blades strapped to his calf. The baby lets out a gurgle before sharp cries fill the room and Magnus's desperate voice reaches out to soothe him, rocking the infant back and forth more gently than Alec has ever seen him. It almost makes his heart warm, before he remembers the mess the two of them have made of their loft.

"Magnus," he sighs out, reaching his hands out in preparation to take the child. "You know the curtains are still on fire, right?"

His boyfriend gasps, shoving their supposed son right into his waiting arms and flying out of the room, screaming about how he'd just snapped those in from India, for fuck's sake. Sighing, Alec gives the baby in his arms an exasperated look, wondering how in the world this is his life.

It's at the same time that Magnus gives a whoop of triumph from the living room that their child decides this is the opportune moment to wriggle free from his father's arms and make a wild dash for the seraph blades still sitting on the bed.

"Oh my God!" Alec cries out, suddenly panicked as little grabby hands reach for big sharp sword things that could very easily tumble off the bed and onto a very fragile tiny human. He swoops up his son in one fluid motion, clutching him tight to his chest as his heartbeat skyrockets, before casting his gaze to the ceiling.

Cursing the angel under his breath, he takes a moment to collect himself and gather what little patience he has left before moving to face the mess his boyfriend has made of their loft.

Honestly. Magnus is supposed to be _centuries_ his senior.


End file.
